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Tomb Raider 1/10
What the hell was this butt fest of a movie? Don't think I was sitting here hoping this movie would blow my mind with a great story and incredible action. But I did at least hope it would be fun and cheesy. Wasn't fun. Wasn't cheesy. It just existed. That is a good way to describe this. It just existed. Things happened on screen, people were hit (mostly Lara Croft), explosions happened, and it threatened the world with a sequel that I assure you will never happen. I am sure I said the same thing about the Tomb Raider film from back in the day but that was when Angelina Jolie had that boom boom pow. I won't even compare that and this movie because they were both ass. Just not fun shit that costs way more than they should've. I would have taken that 90 million bucks and invested in three seasons of the most epic Zelda series ever seen. So yeah. You may notice I'm not actually talking about the movie. That's cause it blew creepy clowns. Not all that much to say.
Lara's father leaves to find some shit. She has a ton of money but refuses to use it and spends her time as a bike courier and getting her ass kicked at the gym. She legit gets choked like three times. That is the least of her problems. This entire movie is her getting fucked up and then being fine moments later. Her dad leaves a message saying to destroy his research. She doesn't and continues it and ends up caught by mercenaries that can only hit you if you stand still or are already dying. She solves a puzzle after finding her dad, turns out the mystery is a corpse that can turn you ashy dead, and she escapes. Not quite sure who this was made for or why they did it but they did and I watched it like a jackass. Well played.
Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft
Dominic West as Lord Richard Croft
Walton Goggins as Mathias Vogel
Daniel Wu as Lu Ren
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