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The Forbidden Dance The Hell?!/10
Today I watched this movie called The Forbidden Dance with B&H. No, not Lambada. That is another movie about sexy dancing that came out at the same time and actually sued this one for using the same title. This movie is insane. Let me just point that out. If I told you the plot of this just after you woke up you would think that you were having a fever dream. It is said that this script was written in ten days which I do not believe. I think it was written in four. A princess from a Brazilian rainforest heads to America with her bodyguard/shaman to stop an evil corporation from knocking down the shit and ends up as a maid, a dancer and possible prostitute at a brothel, and falling in love. That happens in the FIRST day! This woman had the worst luck of any human to ever exist. Let me backup a bit.
This princess Nisa is busy doing what is known as the Lambada. It is a dance so sexy and dangerous that it is banned in the country. Hey. Listen. Hey. Brazil. Yeah. This dance is banned in Brazil? Brazil?! Know what I think of when I think of Brazil. First I think of butts. Second I think of sex. Third I think of butt sex. There is no dance that could be banned, especially not the dance that is done in this movie. I have done way nastier dances in clubs. Years ago. I retired from my Lambada days. So one day she and her tribe are air fucking when some trucks just America their asses in and run over their huts. They didn't even check if folks was in them! They have a contract and guns so fuck you. Nisa and Joa head to America and badly explain the situation which is made worse when Joa starts throwing fucking lightning bolts at people. Nisa escapes and by escapes she falls asleep on a park bench in the middle of the day. This Mexican lady asks if she has papers, says fuck it, and gets Nisa a job with a racist ass family. These people are the worst!
Joa is in jail chilling while Nisa heads to bed at night but not before rubbing her butt all over the curtains. The rich people have a son named Jason. He is supposed to look young but back in the 80's and early 90's everyone in their 20's looked 50. He watches her dance and instead of being like “Hey, ya fucking creep!” she smiles. He invites her to a club wearing his moms dress and she makes all the corny White women jealous. Jason has a girlfriend...I guess, and she rips the dress and slaps the soul out of Jason. They get home and more racist shit is said and Nisa leaves. She ends up at a club that looks like it was decorated with five dollars worth of plastic and some lights. Some sad looking ass dudes “dance” with women. She stays there and Jason finds out because his friends went there and says she is a sleaze. How dare they?!
Jason shows up and gets his ass handed to him by a bouncer that has a half-fro and is damn near 70. Joa escaped from jail and does his thing where he tosses a sack at someone, they catch it, scream like a bitch, and then he blows coke or something at them and that is the end. Then he snaps a knife in half that the brothel lady owner had. The rest of the movie is prep for a dance show with a band from the 80's that anyone reading this do not know. Nisa gets kidnapped by the head of the forest tearing down group and he makes her dance. It is baffling! She and Jason escape but Jason fucks his ankle up because so far this entire movie dude can do nothing right. His girlfriend sucks. His friends suck. His parents suck. He can't dance for shit. He can't protect Nisa. He worthless at everything except being a thing for Nisa to rub her hey-now on to music. Oh, god. The music. The same song is played like thirty times! It is still in my head!
This movie ends with her chief father showing up after Nisa and Jason win the dance contest and explain how the rainforest is being destroyed. The end. Oh, and a shout out to protect that shit. This felt like it was written by someone who had heard of what a script was and the dances were created by someone who heard of what sexy was and tried to make it work. With all that said this movie was hilarious. It was so bad that it was good. You could watch this with a child and it would not corrupt them. They may say some racist shit afterward but that's it.
Laura Harring as Nisa
Jeff James as Jason Anderson
Angela Moya as Carmen
Sid Haig as Joa
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