The Review: Passengers

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Passengers 0/10

Join me on a horror film where a man gets so desperate for company that he chooses to spend the rest of his life with Jennifer Lawrence! I'm kidding but not really. I just finished watching Passengers. This movie was gar-bahj. Dead serious. I already knew a lot about this before watching and thought it could not be as bad as I'd heard. It was worse. This was way worse than I thought. This is about 5,000 people and 258 crew members so miserable on Earth that they plan to move to a new planet called Homestead II and work shit out there. This trip takes 120 years so fuck you anyone that you knew back on Earth. One day Jim Preston played by Chris Pratt gets woken from his pod and stumbles around thinking everything is fine until he realizes that he's the only one awake. Turns out his ass woke up only 30 years into the trip. Uh-oh. What's a guy to do?!


He spends his time breaking into cabins, eating, dancing, playing video games. Pretty much what I do most of the time. There is a bartender named Arthur that Jim talks to. One day, like a year after being on the ship, Jim stumbles upon a sleeping beauty. Her name is Aurora Lane. How am I supposed to believe that in all this time alone he didn't look in every single fucking pod there? This is where the movie takes the darkest of turns. Jim wants to die. He starts to do some research on Aurora. He watches her video made to explain who she is and why she is on the spaceship. He talks to the bartender and tries to get him on his side. You know. The “Should I wake up this total stranger because by some bad stroke of luck a spaceship woke me up early and now I need something to fuck so I need to wake this cute woman up so I won't be alone and die by myself on this ship because no one else is waking up for another 90 years?” side. Guess what he does.


Wrong! He wakes her up.

He fiddles with her pod (giggity!) and runs away. She wakes up and finally finds him and he is all like “Oh, man. I don't know. We're the only ones awake. Let's fuck.” She eventually starts to like him because he looks like Chris Pratt. He makes the robot bartender promise not to tell her that he is a sociopath. Time passes and they have dates and space walk and he plans to propose until the robot lets slip that Jim got her pod open. At this point this should be a movie about this lunatic stalking this woman on a ship that no one can escape. Instead she dodges him and beats him up in his sleep while he tries to win her heart back. It's fucking dumb. Meanwhile...


The ship is falling the fuck apart. The robots are acting weird. Spitting cereal an' shit. One day someone else wakes up. The Chief Deck Officer Gus Mancuso played by Laurence Fishburne wakes up and is mad there is a plant on the ship. Then the ship acts worse and Gus is dying. The computer tells him there are six hundred and something things wrong. I was like “What the fuck?!” It seriously tells him this. It also says there is nothing to do but take these pills to feel better. Gus dead now. The ship is worse. The bartender is losing its mind. They have to make the ship lose heat and save the rest of the other idiots on the ship who have been sleeping through all this. Aurora is still mad at Jim because he pretty much sentenced her to death. He did. He is a monster. But still...he looks like Chris Pratt. So she forgives him and even risks the lives of thousands to save him. He offers her the chance to sleep the rest of the way in Gus' pod but she declines and they live the rest of their lives together. A woman running from her life on Earth just to write a story and a lunatic that stalks and wakes up someone after a year alone instead of just killing himself. Romance!!!


This movie was fucking terrible. There are some things that could have made this better. Make the actor less attractive. I don't wanna name names but someone like, let me make a name up, 2002 Schmona Schmill. If Chris Pratt wakes you up it is not so bad. Yeah, he crazy but he looks like Chris Pratt. Also not have this turn into a terrible action flick at the end. The ending was just so stupid. And have Jim seem more troubled about the fucked up decision he made. She would not have even found out unless the broken robot told her. That is super fucked. This movie is super fucked. I don't see how they thought this was a good idea. It was not cute. It was not romantic. No amount of homemade wedding rings and drinks can make up for the fact that dude took an innocent woman and sentenced her to a life alone with him and only him. Oh, they could have made her crazy. That would have been cool. Or have it where Jim was actually on the run from the law and stole someone's identity to get aboard the ship. Nah. They just did what they did. Fuck this movie.

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